A RESEARCH-BASED APPROACH TO RELATIONSHIPS
Real Relationships // October 2, 2019
By Shawn Mynar
Editor’s Note: We’ve been studying relationships for the last four decades, but we still have so much to learn. Through the individual stories and experiences shared in Real Relationships, we aim to paint a more realistic picture of love in the world today. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this article belong solely to the author and are not necessarily based on research conducted by The Gottman Institute. Submit your Real Relationship story here.
It wasn’t love-at-first-sight. In fact, it took five years for me to recognize my feelings for her. Kristin and I started out as friends, “gal pals” bonding over a shared passion for health and fitness. We had friend dates cooking up the latest superfoods together, going on hikes, researching the best supplements, and eventually both becoming certified nutritionists.
As the years progressed, we got even closer. Both of us went through similar health issues and relied on each other to vent and get support from someone who actually understood. We communicated daily and rarely went more than a few days without seeing each other. She had become my best friend.
It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve, five years into our friendship, that something sparked in me when I glanced over at Kristin that night. We were out with a group of friends, celebrating the fresh start that comes with a new year, and had a blast, as usual. When I got home, I found myself replaying the evening with her and feeling like there was a different kind of connection forming, beyond best friendship.
This brought up so much confusion for me. First of all, I’m not supposed to feel this way about my gay best friend. And secondly, she’s…a woman. Being in a same-sex relationship was new territory and something I hadn’t considered. I’d never felt this kind of attraction to a woman before. Could this be?
My newfound attraction to Kristin led me down a path of self-exploration. While I still felt adamant that I couldn’t fall in love with her, my best friend, I opened up to the idea of looking for love in both sexes, instead of confining myself to men, which I had done up until then.
While this opened up a whole new dating pool for me, I still couldn’t seem to get past my growing feelings for Kristin, as much as I tried to stop it. I was so scared to make things awkward between us, or even worse, ruin the friendship. I was in denial.
One day, months later, after a fun weekend spent together, I decided I had to say something. I experienced an intense knowing that it was all going to work out and we would create a beautiful life together. I needed her to know this too, no matter what the outcome. I wanted to tell her about how special our bond was, and that it was something well beyond friendship. I wanted her to see this really special, beautiful relationship growing between us. I wanted her to give us a chance. But, most importantly, I wanted to tell her that, even though I’m saying I want more with her, I would do whatever it took to preserve our friendship and keep that as the most important consideration.
I knew, without a doubt, that she would be scared. (A huge perk of dating your best friend—already knowing exactly how they’ll respond.) She would be hesitant for fear of ruining our friendship and creating irreversible change. She wouldn’t believe that I was serious and not just going through an “experimental” phase. Which meant my approach needed to be gentle, reassuring, and committed.
Thank goodness for text messages, because, while I am the type of person that makes things happen once I get an idea, I’m also terrible with confrontation and awkwardness. A simple text laced with humor would be the way to deliver this life-changing message.
I spent several days trying to come up with the perfect message. And then, it took everything in me to press that send button. Staring at it for hours, opening and closing the app. Hovering my finger over the button and not being able to push send.
